An Open Letter to J. Crew

27 Sep

Dear J. Crew,

Baby, you know I love you. You and I go way back. We have HISTORY. From the enormous wool, cable-knit sweaters I used to buy from you in college to my favorite pencil skirt of all time, we’ve been a team for years.

But I have a bone to pick with you.

Let’s see, where do I begin? I think I started having questions when I got the J. Crew in Tokyo style guide. Things were going along just fine, I was admiring the colorful cashmere and the beautiful coats, until BAM. I came up on this handy tip:

Um. Am I hallucinating? Did you just suggest that I wear a PAJAMA TOP under CASHMERE? Because that is apparently a look that “deserves to see the light of day”? I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure my ratty Intramural Sports ’95 t-shirt under a cashmere sweater is better suited for Zoolander’s Derelicte campaign.

Okay, so maybe you’re on a mild acid trip. It’s cool. Really. I still care deeply for you.

BUT WAIT. What’s this I see? Head-to-toe red houndstooth? OK, houndstooth is a respectable lifestyle choice, and I’d never judge you for it. Well, not until I saw the price. What appears to be a houndstooth sweatshirt is actually a “popover” that costs… $525? With matching pants that are relatively affordable at a mere $325?

I believe the “head-to-toe haberdashery effect” you speak of is really more like “the pajamas Hugh Hefner actually wears when he takes off his robe.”

Well, c’est la vie. I’ve been married for 13 years, myself, and I get it that the secret to a successful relationship is overlooking the other person’s flaws. (Not that my husband has any, should he happen to be reading this. Ahem.)

So along those lines, I honestly really enjoyed the rest of the catalog. But I was a tad puzzled when I happened upon this gem online:

It may be called the French hen sweater, but I’m gonna go ahead and call it a chicken with a beret. I’m pretty sure you’re just messing with me now.

All right then, I feel better having gotten this off my chest.




6 Responses to “An Open Letter to J. Crew”

  1. Erica September 27, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    I agree – that last catalog was bonkers. If I saw people out in public wearing that stuff I’d be surprised.

  2. K September 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    The Tokyo one arrived and Ezra and I looked through it together (he loves catalogs). He kept saying, “Do you like THIS, Mama?!” And I didn’t like any of it. At all. Which is all J. Crew’s fault, really, as a lot of it was poo.

  3. Becky September 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    Haaaaaaaaaaa! Oh, J. Crew. You have lost it.

  4. Erica September 27, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    That sweater delights me.

  5. Sara @ Belle Plaine September 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    I just…what now? The whole catalog confused me.

  6. MauraLessa September 30, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Hilarious. I liked when J. Crew was preppy, not crazy, rich hipster.

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